Halo: Combat Devolved
by Agent Smith
Summary: Follow the misadventures of Master Chief as he battles Covenant troops invading the gigantic Halo hoop from their ship, Humor and Reconsillyation.
1. The Column of Fall

Halo: Combat Devolved

By Agent Smith

---

Floating through the silence of space was a gigantic ring-world, orbiting a large orange gas giant. Closing in on it was a massive ship. Written on the side of this ship, in white letters, was...

'THE COLUMN OF FALL'

Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is did we lose them?

Captain Keyes was incharge of the Column of Fall. He stood on the bridge, overlooking the large ring-world before him, but more worried about the EVIL Covenant that had just chased them halfway across the universe.

Cortana: I think we both know the answer to that Captain... Hell no. They are closing in on us as we speak!

Cortana was the ships really bitchy and smart-assed AI. Like they had enough to worry about from the Covenant, they needed a wiseass to give them information.

Cortana: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you though we could outrun them, even if we made a blind jump. Guess what, they can still track us-

Keyes: Shut up. Whats the count?

Some Crewman: A whole lot of capital ships. We're screwed.

Keyes: Okay, I'm initiating Cole Protocol 2... Everyone prepare our defenses and- RUN!!

Captain Keyes quickly jetted out the door, with everyone looking blankly.

Cortana: Uhh, okay... Someone go wake up the CHIEF.

---

A large cryochamber housed a single cryotube, in it was the most awesome fighting force in the galaxy, MASTER CHIEF. Legend has it that when he blinks, he causes Covenant ships to explode and monkeys to fly out of my ass.

The Chief's cryotube began to unthaw. It opened, and Master Chief stepped out in the presence of an unworthy mortal.

Crewman: Okay Chief, I have to collaberate your- ACK

Master Chief grabbed the tutorial guy and strangled him. There would be no tutorials today.

Intercom: Chief, this is Captain Keyes, report to the bridge immediately.

Master Chief ran through the doors into the main corridor. Explosions and other eye candy were going off. Master Chief eventually reached another corridor, when he noticed to his left several Covenant troops firing on him.

Master Chief: I may not have a weapon, but I'll strangle you all with my BARE HANDS!

Master Chief lunged for the stationary Covenant, but was stopped by an invisible wall.

Master Chief: What the?

Shortly after, the airlock began to close, sealing the Chief from his prey.

Master Chief: Bah, cheap game physics!

---

On the bridge...

Master Chief: Captain Keyes... SO YOU'RE BEHIND THIS EVIL COVENANT INVASION!

Keyes: Uhh, no Master Chief. We need you to get Cortana off this ship before the Covenant capture her and cyber-rape.. I mean... get Earth's location from her.

Master Chief: Why bother? They already find out about Earth in the sequel.

Keyes: How the hell did you know that?

Master Chief: Someone spoiled it for me on a GameFAQs forum.

Keyes: Uhh, whatever, you still need to go down there so you can eventually destroy that ring too. See, I can soil-, I mean, spoil myself too!

Cortana: Okay dumbass, whatever. Chief... Me... Inside your head... NOW.

Master Chief looks down at his pants.

Cortana: Arrgh, man-bots. INSIDE YOUR NEURAL SYSTEM STUPID.

Master Chief pulled some magic with his hands and a monkey out of his ass and made Cortana go inside his neural network.

Cortana: I can see your underpants in here, kekeke.

Master Chief: Don't get any ideas.

Keyes: Uhh, you guys just completely reversed roles in like a period of 2 script lines.

Master Chief: Shut up... Shut up.. SHUT UP

---

Outside the bridge, several Grunts with an apparent death wish gathered outside of the bridge. They would be the first of many to be slaughtered by the Chief in this game.

Grunt 1: Gee, wonder why the Elite made us guard this hallway.

Grunt 2: Perhaps it had something to do with us crashing his ghost last night?

Grunt 1: Nah, maybe he feels we've been doing good, and sent us to this empty hallway to keep us out of danger.

Suddenly, Master Chief walked out of the bridge. Two gunshots later, the Grunts lay dead on the floor.

Master Chief then ran into the mess hall, guns blazing.

Master Chief: DIE YOU EVIL COVENANT SCUM, DIE!!

Elite: We're not evil, we're just morally challenged.

After a nice spray and pray by his freshly picked up Assault Rifle, the Covenant forces in the mess hall lay dead. Except for one.

Elite: Arrgh, all I wanted was some hotdogs, but instead, you bring me a fresh serving of DEATH to eat. Wait till I submit this 'How was the service' card I just filled out. dies

Master Chief skipped half the level which had no significant plot points anyways, and was mostly tutorial, and got to the escape pod area. A significant Covenant force was guarding it.

Elite: So, its the one they call Master Chief, the demon. I am warrior Kraglotek, tribesman of the 3 Great Suns. I have been sent by my people to kill yo-

Master Chief stuck a plasma grenade to Kraglotek's face.

Kraglotek: This is going to be a humiliating, unjustified, and probably long ridiculed death. Fuck you God. explodes

The explosion caused a chain reaction amongst the other grenades on the floor, killing everyone but a sole Grunt.

Grunt: No, please human! Please spare me, I have a wife and kid! My life insurance is paid off tommorow!

But Master Chief coldly cocked his rifle and blew the Grunt away, then hopped into the escape pod for the getaway.

America's Most Wanted: This has been a reinactment of the crime. If you have seen this man, Master Chief, please contact your local authorities immediately. Suspect is considered armed, dangerous, and was last seen heading towards Halo on a very sucky escape pod.

Meanwhile, the Grunt's wife went bankrupt, had to sell her kids into slavery, and later died a life of prostitution and disease. Yeah. REAL Heroism Chief!

---

To be continued...


	2. Y HALO THAR

Chapter 2: Y HALO THAR

---

Escape Pod Pilot: Oh no, the brakes are out!

Master Chief: Why does a piece of crap like this need a pilot anyways? ALL IT DOES IT FALL INTO THE GROUND!!

Escape Pod Pilot: Quiet, we're all going to be dead in a few minutes, so I'd suggest you pray.

Master Chief: The Chief follows NO God.

Suddenly, Chief was struck by lightning.

Master Chief: Sorry master!

---

The escape pod slammed into the ground, then bounced into a pillow factory.

Escape Pod Pilot: Whew... we lucked out.

Suddenly some nearby sentinels pressed that detonator thing you see in Looney Toons, and the pillow factory exploded.

Master Chief emerged from the rubble.

Cortana: Chief? You're alright. Thank God, I was beginning to think I'd have to stay in your rotting corpse for eternity.

Master Chief: Quiet, I smell COVENANT SCUM coming.

And on cue, a gigantic ridiculous looking horse shoe flew over them, landed, and ejected the Covenant scum within.

Elite: -sniff- -sniff- I smell HUMAN GOOD GUYS. Let's get em!

The Covenant charged at the pile of rubble, when suddenly Master Chief stepped onto the mound.

Elite: We. Are so. SCREWED.

Master Chief openned up with bursts of his Assault Rifle. The hot lead bullets rippled through the Elite, causing his body to jerk around as he tried to remain standing.

Grunt: Holy crap, the Elite just got lit up.

Jackal: Fo sho.

The other Covenant comically ran off the nearby cliff.

Master Chief: This is almost too easy, let's go find the others.

---

Sergeant Johnson: Okay, Marines, listen up.

Marines: Yes sir!

Suddenly, a meteorite landed on Johnson.

Marine: Well, that sucks.

Johnson emerged from under the gigantic rock and tossed it.

Johnson: The Covenant are about to attack-

A bus ran over Johnson, then backed up and ran over him again. Then it tried to pass him but hit a nearby rock and tipped over onto Johnson.

Marine: Holy crap, did anyone else see that?

Marine 2: Everyone except the readers, since they are merely reading this and a limited to their imaginations on what they interpret.

Suddenly, Johnson kicked open one of the windows... he even kicked open one of the regular ones and not the emergancy one, because that one is too easy to open and Johnson is too much of a badass for sissy windows.

Johnson: -attack our position. I want everyone to set up defens-

Another escape pod landed... directly on Johnson of course, and Marines piled out.

Marine Pilot: Uhh, we just hit Johnson.

Johnson, of course, walked out of the rear of the pod, smoking a cigar because he's badass.

Johnson: As I was saying...

Another plot device... uhhh... a mob of angry animal rights activists I guess this time... ran towards Johnson. But Johnson mowed them down with his rifle.

Johnson: NO MORE INTERUPTIONS! You will all set up defensive positions in that nearby structure.

Marines: Aye sir!

Johnson: Ready...

Marines: Discipline!

Johnson: Ready...

Marines: DISCIPLINE!

Johnson: MOVE!

Marines: DRILL!

Johnson (counting quickly): Thirty twenty nine twenty eight...

---

Meanwhile, Master Chief and Cortana continued their pointless quest to find Marines, whom usually last a grand total of 2 seconds against Covenant forces on higher difficulties. Hell, plasma sword Elites are usually platoon killers on EASY.

Master Chief: Cortana, how much further until we get to the Marine camp?

Cortana: DAMN IT, we must have taken a wrong turn. Uhh, Foehammer, you readin' bitch?

Foehammer: Well, if it isn't the whore. Glad to see you again Cortana, NOT.

Cortana: Jealous because I got with the Chief?

Master Chief: Now now, there is plenty of me for the both of you.

Foehammer: Uhh, this has nothing to do with the hell. Hell, because of his Spartan augments, his dick don't even work anymore bitch.

Cortana: -hiss-

Foehammer: -spit-

Master Chief: IT'S TRUE, ALL THIS TENSION I RELEASE ON THE COVENANT IS REALLY PENT UP SEXUAL FRUSTRATION. I CAN'T EVEN JERK OFF TO A VICTORIAS SECRET MAGAZINE ANYMORE BECAUSE, A) MY SUIT, B) MY PEE PEE DONT WORK

Of course, Master Chief had been oblivious to the Covenant squad that had been surrounding them the whole time. All the Grunts, Jackals, and Elites burst out in an array of laughter, shrieks, and worts.

Elite: By the prophets! The demon can't even get his groove thing on.

Master Chief: I'm warning you, don't do that...

Elite: AWww, poor demon. Still a virgin, and you're like 35 years old.

Master Chief: YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M HORNY...

Elite: You gonna cry, demon?

Master Chief: RAAAAAAAAAARGH

Suddenly, the Chief turned into... uhh... Master Chief holding two guns.

Master Chief: CHIEF GET ANGRY. CHIEF WIELD TWO GUNS NOW!!!

Elite: Ho... Ly.... Crap....

Grunt: It is at this time I would like to address the situation here. We are a task force of barely half a dozen Grunts, two jackals, and an Elite. This being that stands before us has already faced off against much greater odds just holding one gun, now he has two? At the same time? Concluding my analysis, I'll say this. Next time, we should bring more guys, and also- RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Covenant squad tried to flee, but it was to late. Chief unleashed his rage on the fleeing Covenant in the form of an Assault Rifle and Pistol being fired at the same time.

Within seconds, the Covenant squadron had been owned SO BAD, that when they died, the corpses skipped the wake and funeral and instead transformed into tombstones in a Sims-esque death. Just then, a Pelican dropship hovered over them.

Foehammer: Wow, that's some serious shit. Here's a warthog for your troubles, Chief. There are some more Marines around here, go find em so we can finish this sucky level.

Cortana: No Chief, don't listen to that bitch. Instead, go drive around and let the Marines find YOU, then we can go to the next level.

Foehammer: Oh Cortana... I'll be seeing YOU later.

Cortana: -hiss-

---

Johnson and his Marines held their position around the building they had found pretty well. Pretty well as in there were two gigantic mounds of Covenant dead bodies around the landing areas. Sky blue and purple blood flowed like a river of... plasma and cells that carry oxygen throughout the body.

Johnson: Well boys, I may have died a few times, but at least we made it this far.

Johnson noticed all the other Marines were actually dead.

Johnson: Uh oh.

A gigantic horseshoe ship descended on his position again. It opened it's hatches, and out came... I don't know, what do you think, a bunch of frickin horses? No, out came more Covenant.

Johnson: Here we go again. -cocks rifle-

Suddenly, out of the fucking blue, Chief arrived in his Warthog and ran over the Covenant troops. He also kamikazed his Warthog into the dropship Battlefield 1942 style, bailing just before it hit.

Chief: Whew, didn't think I'd press E in time.

Johnson: Oh hey Chief, ready to go to the next level?

Master Chief: Yeah I guess, what would that be?

Cortana: Well, since the Covenant sucks and they broadcast all their information, from battle data to sexual fetishes, on live channels, I know that the Prophet of Truth is particularly fond of mustard during sexual intercourse.

Johnson: Oh, kinky, but what's the real news.

Cortana: Uhh yeah, and the Column of Fall actually managed to land on the ring. Of course, since Keyes is a dumbass, he got himself captured, so he have to rescue him.

Chief: Okay, where is he?

Cortana: He is being held aboard a Covenant cruiser called the 'Lies and Disagreement'.

Chief: Me, maybe Johnson, and a squadron of expendable Marines against an entire Covenant capital ship. I like those odds, let's go.

---

How will Master Chief face this next ordeal? Probably with relative ease! Stay tuned...


	3. The Lies and Disagreement

Chapter 3: Lies and Disagreement

---

Master Chief, Sergeant Johnson, and a handful of doomed Marines hopped out of the pelican onto the plateu. High above them was the Covenant cruiser that they'd be assaulting so they could rescue Keyes.

Marine: Wow, so how are we going to get up there?

Marine 2: Yeah, the Corps issued me a rifle, not wings.

Johnson: Actually, I was just going to inform you that, because of recent budget cuts, we will have to share the rifle too.

Marine 2: Not fair! How come Chief gets his own?

Johnson: Many theories have been made about that. Some believe he has mastered the sacred art of being one with the rifle, and that he has mastered the rifle as he has mastered his life. Others believe the rifle is a part of him, an appendage, that we lesser evolved humans were not blessed with. The biggest and most wacko theory, in my opinion, is that a divine force which we cannot see, and are limited in our interactions with, controls the Chief through the use of a mechanical device with joysticks, buttons, and triggers. This divine force may become angry if we do not let Chief take his rifle, and can and will eliminate all our lives with the press of an 'off' button. The wackos who came up with this theory also state that previous universes very similar to our own have already been 'off'd plenty of times by this divine being. Personally, I think the second theory is true, the first one MAYBE, but the lattermost is simply pseudo-fundamentalist tripe, much like those fools who had us believing the world was round for all those years when it really was flat.

Marine: Wow. Deep stuff.

Marine 2: I have my own theory... Let's just ask the Chief... Wait a minute, just what were we talking about?

Chief: Quiet, there are Covenant up ahead. I'll go up on the cliff and kill them all with my arm- I mean rifle, and then you guys clear out the rest.

Marine: Aye, sir!

---

The Master Chief got onto the nearby cliff and took out his sniper rifle. He caught the sight of an elite patrolling around a rock.

Elite: Doo dee doo... walking around my rock, yep.

Master Chief concentrated and slowly aimed the crosshairs at the Elite's head.

Cortana: Chief...

Chief: AHHHH! Holy crap, you scared the shit out of me.

Cortana: Oh, sorry, I just wanted to inform you that if you press the flashlight button while in scope mode, you'll get a nifty nightvision feature!

Chief: Uhh, I know that, and besides: I dont need it, and honestly, the green tint makes the enemies HARDER to see.

However, the Elite below heard all the chatter, and spotted the Master Chief talking to himself.

Elite: Oh, so a filthy human wants to take my rock eh? NEVER!

The elite unloaded his plasma rifle into the nearby cliff. The hot plasma hit Chief directly in the face, causing his eyes to water a little bit.

Chief: Damn it, that almost melted the paint off my armor.

The Chief responded with several bursts from his sniper rifle, which the Elite easily dodged. The Master Chief switched to his assault rifle and jumped down from the cliff to attack. He unloaded his rifle at the Elite, whom become blurred in a fast motion movement. To the Chief's surpise, the Elite had just dodged an entire clip Matrix style.

Chief: God damn, this guy just won't give up.

Throwing down his rifle, it was time for fisticups. Master Chief swung at the Elite, whom grabbed Chief's arm and tossed Chief to the ground. Chief leg-swiped the Elite, whom easily jumped over the swipe, and kicked the Chief in the head. Chief felt phased for a moment, but quickly got to his feet and managed to elbow the Elite in the stomach. The Elite doubled over, then suddenly an aura of power grew around the Elite.

Elite: Hahaha, you haven't even begun to feel my latest power yet! ARRGGHARHAAHGHA

The powerful aura grew, as large shockwaves sent dust kicking in the air and lightning bolts in random directions.

Just then, the other Covenant in the area finally realized they were under attack... mostly because half of them were asleep, and the other half were day dreaming about being asleep.

Grunt: Oh, the mighty Rock-Guarding Elite is angry! You're in for it now! HAHAH oh crap

Another burst of power sent out more shockwaves of energy, incinerating the Covenant forces. Chief was protected by his suit, but even then the power was making him sweat a little bit.

Elite: ARGHHHHHHHHA!!!!!!!!!!!11one!!1

After a final flash of light, and after the smoke cleared, Chief looked at the Elite, whom was radiating with energy.

Elite: Now you will feel the true meaning of power.... ABSURD-ENERGY-FIGHTING ATTACK! HAAAAAAAAA!

Elite launched a bolt of energy at Chief. Chief dodged behind the rock as the blast narrowly missed him.

Elite: Oh, you're going to hide behind my rock? WELL THATS IT, THIS ROCK IS GOING UP IN SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE!!!

The Elite fired another energy blast at the rock, destroying it, and sending the Chief flying a ridiculously long distance and into a cliff. The face of the cliff crumbled from the impact, and the rocks piled onto of Chief.

Elite: Hahaha- HUH?

The smoke cleared and Chief stood up, but this time he was holding a plasma pistol- AND IT WAS OVERCHARGED! He quickly fired the blast at the unsuspecting Elite.

Elite: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111numero!!!uno!!!1

The blast quickly engulfed the Elite, and a bright flash of light illuminated over the entire area for a brief moment, then dissappeared.

Chief: What?

Chief quickly noticed the Elite had survived the blast, but was wounded.

Elite: This isn't the last time we'll meet demon. I'll be back- FOR REVENGE

The Elite quickly blasted off into the air in an array of energy.

Chief: Well, that was an odd mishap.

---

After fighting through the canyon, Johnson, Chief, and NOBODY ELSE BECAUSE THE REST OF THEM DIED made it to the grav lift. After an easy battle, they got into the Covenant ship.

Chief: Okay Cortana, I need you to open the doors so we can get to the prisoners.

Cortana: Alright, I'm looking for it on the Covenant battlenet as we speak. Give me a moment.

Suddenly, two bigass Hunters burst through the door.

Hunter: Hahah, puny humans, we have come to destroy you! RAARGH!

The hunter smashed a nearby dining set of fine china, while the other picked up a Wraith tank, and crushed it with his forehead like those wierd people do beer cans.

Johnson: These guys look tough.

Chief: I'll take care of it.

One of the Hunters lunged at Chief with a clubbing smash. Chief dodged it, while the force of the smash destroyed parts of the floor. Chief took out his pistol and shot the Hunter in the back. To everyones suprise (not) the Hunter fell down, dead.

Chief: Wow, so you got a little weakspot eh?

Hunter: NO NO NO! He had... uhhh.. back cancer, that's it!

Chief: So if I shoot you in the back, you'll treat it like any other small arms shot.

Hunter: Uhhh... LOOK OVER THERE, ITS A PLASMA SWORD ELITE!

Chief: I'm not stupid enough to fall for that.

Johnson: Uhhh, Chief- ACK!

A plasma sword Elite stabbed Johnson.

Hunter: Told you. UHh, later!

The Hunter ran into one of the Covenant-only doors as Chief battled the Elite. After a quick and easy battle, the Elite was dispatched.

Chief: Hahaha! Fool, now I'll be taking that nifty plasma sword...

As the Chief reached for it, the sword disappeared in thin air.

Chief: HEY! Cheap! I'll just have to wait until the sequel. Cortana, what's taking the doors so long?

Johnson: Yeah.

Johnson got back up and rubbed the spot of the wound.

Johnson: I swear, these deaths are beginning to sting more and more.

Suddenly the gravlift started to act up... Someone was coming up. Johnson and Chief armed themselves... but it turned out to be replacement Marines.

Chief: Well, you guys must have a death wish.

Marine: Nah, I think we'll make it. Right boys?

Other Marines: YEAH!

Chief: Anyways, Cortana... the doors?

Cortana: Almost got it Chief. The Covenant Battlenet is very similar to our internet... it's 95 porn and 1 relevant data. I think I got it...

At that moment, a lovely display of ArbiterMiranda Keyes porn was displayed on the vid screens. The result.. all the Marines died again.

Chief: Damn it, that's not even supposed to be possible... both in the fact that it's frigging a human and alien, and that fact that neither character has been introduced yet.

Johnson: Amen, let's get out of here.

---

Meanwhile at the Lies and Reconiliation's control center...

TV: We'll be returning to 'The Acherons' after a brief message from our sponsor...

Elite Commander: BAH! Another commercial break. STUPID GREEDY HUMAN ADVERTISERS, how am I going to let Gol and Maia teach me the values of a life of evil if I keep getting interrupted with shampoo and diaper commercials?!?!?

Grunt: Uhh, sir, sorry to interrupt you, but we are being attacked by the demon.

Elite Commander: Arrgh, go figure. I'll just have to record this episode. Thanks alot demon you fucking loser. Prepare my battle armor, minions!

---

The Master Chief and Sergeant Johnson reached the bridge, and were greeted by a gold elite, plus two flying plasma swords.

Chief: Oh my God! THOSE SWORDS ARE FLOATING ON THEIR OWN! The Covenant has developed a deadly new weapon!

Johnson: Uhh Chief, I think those are cloaked Elites.

Chief: Oh they're just elites? Phew, I thought I'd be having a challenge.

Chief easily stuck the plasma grenade to both the cloaked Elites, causing them to, suprise, EXPLODE! The other Gold Elite closed in on Master Chief, but was killed humorously by a melee to the back of the head by Johnson.

Johnson: Wow, and the sad thing is, to achieve the rank of Gold, they have to kill like hundreds of enemies and live to tell the tale. Ironic how easy his death came.

Chief: Yeah. We really need a challenge.

---

The Elite Commander slowly adorned himself with armor while Japanese ninja samurai music played in the background. He cleaned the dirt off his plasma sword... somehow. Then he meditated for a brief moment as an aura of unstoppableness grew around him.

Grunt: Sir, the demon is heading for the prison area.

The Elite's eyes openned suddenly, glowing a deep red.

Elite Commander: Then I shall meet him in battle there!

---

After fighting a few more waves of doomed Covenant, Chief and Johnson reached the prison area door.

Chief: Okay, they probably know I'm coming here, so I'll need to break out the big gun. The most deadly gun.

Johnson: The rocket launcher?

Chief: Nope... the PISTOL!!

Johnson: OH DEAR GOD!

The Chief openned up the doors to the prison area and saw a huge amount of Covenant plus the Elite Commander waiting for him.

Elite Commander: Demon! Your crusade of evil ends here. You shall meet your fate at the end of my blade-

A pistol bullet struck the Elite Commander in the face. The last thing that went through the Elite Commander's head, other than the bullet of course, was "Damn it, I knew I forgot to charge my shield".

Chief then dodged the fire from the other Covenant and reached the control panel.

Chief: Since you Covenant fools have proven to me how pathetic you are, you are not longer worthy of being killed by me. Instead, I'll let my minions take care of you, HAHAHAHA!

Chief then openned the holding cells and let the Marines and Keyes out. They grabbed weapons and fought the Covenant.

Grunt: We have to fight normal humans? Damn, we really do suck.

Jackal: Well, what could we have done?

Grunt: More ground forces, better weapons, or maybe we should have just upped the difficulty to Legendary.

Of course, the conversation ended right there because the Jackal and Grunt were DEAD at the hands of a Marine of all things.

Keyes: Thanks Chief, it was brutual in there.

Chief: Heh, what you get raped?

Keyes: NO!

Chief: Who was it, an Elite?

Keyes: No... a gang of Grunts.

Johnson: Wow. Pathetic.

Keyes: I WAS UNARMED!

Chief: That's no excuse. I can kill Grunts just by blinking.

Master Chief blinked, and the Grunt reinforcements that just ran into the room suddenly exploded.

Chief: See?

Keyes: GOOD FOR YOU! Anyways, let's get out of here.

They hijacked a horseshoe ship in the hangar and headed out.

Chief: Well, that was pretty crazy.

Johnson: Yeah, where are we heading too now?

Keyes: Well, you guys are going to find something called the 'Noisy Mapmaker', while I'm going to check out this hot strip bar in a nearby swamp, HOORAH!

---

To be continued...


	4. Noisy Mapmaker

Chapter 4: Noisy Mapmaker

-

Smoke rose from the island. On it, piles and piles of corpses lay burning, while rivers of blood; red, neon blue, purple, and even orange; stained the nearby shores like an oil spill. There were crashed dropships, horse shoes, and burning vehicles all over the place. It was hell.

A lone Grunt wandered the beach, searching for survivors, but knowning from the intense smell of death which had overtaken the usual ammonium-sulfide smell which lingers on polluted beaches like this one, that he was the only survivor.

Grunt: I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure the Elites will be, fighting with the Demon for what the Prophets called "possession of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life. And on that note... THEY GOT THE ELITE RUN!

But what transpired earlier there? Lets go back and see...

-

Two dropships flew through the air towards the island. They had gotten word that the Covenant was looking for the "Noisy Mapmaker", which would show them to the control room of Halo.

The Covenant had already set up defense on the island. They'd have to make a beach landing on take on the Covenant head on. It would be a tough battle. But they had the Master Chief.

Master Chief: Okay ladies. Listen up. I kill everyone. You guard me, got that?

Marines: Yes sir!

Master Chief: Any questions?

Marine: Yeah, what if you die?

The Chief put his rifle aside, grabbed the Marine, and ripped out his spinal cord in one swift movement.

Master Chief: The Chief DON'T DIE. Any other questions? Good. I'll see you all on the beach.

The Pelican dropships touched down at the end of the beach. They were horrified to find it was a nude beach, and it's only patrons were MALE COVENANT.

Johnson: OH GOD, MY EYES

Master Chief: My reoccuring nightmare has come back to haunt me!

The naked Covenant opened fire on the Marines, who were caught offguard. Many of the Marines died, most of them would die very unhorny, but interestingly enough, one of them seemed to have an erection...

Marine: Hah, I always knew Corporal Thompetersonington didn't ask, and didn't tell, if you know what I mean.

The Marine stopped talking when his FACE WAS BLOWN OFF BY A SEARING HOT PLASMA BURST. Meanwhile, Chief and Johnson opened fire on the Covenant as best as they could, since they were purposely looking in outward directions. Eventually, they ran out of ammo, so Chief picked up a pile of shells that had collected and threw them at the Covenant, killing them.

-

Several investigators walked along the shore of the previous warzone.

Investigator: Well, from what I see, all these alien guys were naked.

Investigator 2: Yeah, perhaps this was some sort of gay rally or something, and when a fascist homophobe group found out...

Investigator: All hell broke loose.

Paul Smecker: No, you morons. This was a nude beach. The Covenant had come here hoping to find human girls, but quickly found out, ala 'Euro Trip', the ratio of girl to guy was a little off. I would have loved to be here though- ERR I didnt say that out loud. Anyways, at least 10 guys must have been waiting in ambush...

scene of Master Chief walking with Johnson, blasting the Covenant with his rifle

Paul Smecker: And then, they all unloaded on each other. It was like Armageddeon man. Guns blazing, bullets going everywhere.

scene of Master Chief and Johnson standing over a wounded Elite, then shooting him in the head

Paul Smecker: IT WAS A FIRE FIGHT!

Investigator: Uhh, you already got your cameo in Jak 3: This time its not Jak II. Out you go!

The other agents surrounded Smecker.

-

Master Chief and Johnson reached a room deep in the tunnels of the island. It was it, the Noisy Mapmaker. Chief worked the control panel and...

Noisy Mapmaker: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

Master Chief: Arrgh, do you have to scream?

Noisy Mapmaker: YES, I HAVE TO SCREAM, BECAUSE THIS IS THE WAY I TALK. I'M SAMUEL JACKSON.

Master Chief: Anyways, we need the location of the control room.

Noisy Mapmaker: YEAH MOTHERFUCKER, ITS LOCATED THERE points to a location on a holograph of Halo

Master Chief: Wow, thanks Samuel Jackson.

Noisy Mapmaker: MMMHMM, NO PROBLEM MOTHERFUCKER. NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM, I GOT BITCHES COMING OVER!

Master Chief: Sure...

Noisy Mapmaker: NO REALLY, I DO!

Johnson: Uh huh.

Noisy Mapmaker: OK, IM REALLY JUST GOING TO LOOK AT A VICTORIAS SECRET CATALOG.

Master Chief: Whatever you say.

Noisy Mapmaker: OK, SEARS CATALOG. NOW GET OUT!

-

Foehammer: Hey Chief, you readin me down there?

Chief: Yeah, we need a pick up Foehammer.

Cortana: Hey fatass, we need a drop to these coordinates.

Foehammer: Yeah right bitch, that goes underground.

Cortana: Exactly, I'm trying to kill you I MEAN, the last thing the Covenant would expect is an air insertion underground... Bwuahaha

Foehammer: Whatever, I'll be at the front of the building. You guys can handle the 4 Hunters, and shitload of Elites waiting there, right?

Chief: Uhh sure.

Cortana: Still no word from the Captain, he must have having one hell of a time.

-

At the swamp, Captain Keyes and his team were getting mangled by the flood.

Captain Keyes: Arrgh, help!

HAHAHA, oh that Keyes, what will he think of next?

-

An so, the sun or whatever the hell source of light Halo got, set on the island, the fires finally being quelched by lack of corpses to burn, and it's purpose in the universe forfilled. But one thing is for sure. The few who did survive will never be the same again.

Master Chief: Samuel Jackson gets off on Sears Catalog? Good god. I'll never watch Pulp Fiction with a straight face again.

Johnson: I heard ya.

What wacky adventures will fall on our heroes when they... Assault the Control Room? Jesus, I can't even think of a witty title for that level.

Be sure to skip the next chapter when we will BE CONTINUED...


	5. The Room that Controls

Chapter 5: The Room that Controls

Notes: Okay I'm submitting this chapter with 'Noisy Mapmaker' at the same time since, well, they are generic ass levels and thus, I'm running out of ideas!

-

Foehammer's Pelican weaved through the network of tunnels that ran under Halo. Inside the ship was Master Chief. He had thrown Sergeant Johnson overboard when he realized Johnson wasn't supposed to be in any of these levels. DOH!

Foehammer: Hang tight Chief, we're almost to the drop point.

A lone Grunt stood on a balcony, guarding it for no damn reason. Suddenly, he heard a noise. Sniffing the air, he turned around and saw he was facing a human dropship. He jumped in suprise.

Foehammer: No problem guys, it's just a grunt.

Suddenly, the Grunt pulled out a bigass fuelrod gun and started firing at the dropship.

Grunt: DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS DIE! I AM THE WORLDS BRAVEST GRUNT

Master Chief hopped out of the dropship, as Foehammer quickly descended back down into the abyss. The Grunt fired several shots at Master Chief. Master Chief, not wanting to waste ammo already, or actually because he had FORGOT to brung ammo in the first place, decided to use psychology.

Master Chief: Hey Grunt, if you really are the world's bravest grunt, why are you guarding a useless balcony?

Grunt: Well, uhhh... Gee.. never thought of that.

Master Chief: Shouldn't you be on the front lines, leading your brethren to glory?

Grunt: Hmm, never thought of that. Thanks Demon!

The Grunt quickly hobbled off to his own adventure, leaving Master Chief to find...

THE ROOM THAT CONTROLS

-

Elite Commander: Okay troops, we have to find the Room that Controls Halo. However, we have heard rumors of the Demon heading there as well. So, we have two choices: We can either A, run for our lives, or B, mount an offensive with Wraiths, Ghosts, Banshees, and the works.

Covenant Forces: A! A! A!

Elite Commander: B it is. We will be defending the canyon, and we shall be victorious. May God strike me down if it were to be otherwise.

On cue, lightning hit the Elite Commander and he exploded.

-

Master Chief battled his way across the bridge that ran over part of the canyon. He held up his guns while he made various bangs and noises of war with his mouth, causing the Covenant forces to cowardly jump over the bridge in an exchange for a less painful death than being riddled by hot lead... or so they thought, because the bottom of the canyon was filled with SULFURIC ACID! BWHAHA, okay, not really, but they did die in vain.

When the Chief reached the bottom of the canyon, he was greeted by several Wraith tanks, ghosts, and banshees.

Elite Commander: Wow, you have to be the dumbest human ever to come here without at least a vehicle.

Grunt: Yeah, even those regular humans brought a tank with them a little further down the canyon, except they forgot to drive it.

Elite Commander: YOU IDIOT, NOW HE KNOWS

But it was too late... once the words 'tank' entered Master Chief's brain, he had only one purpose in life... to combine his cyborg ass with it.

Master Chief: You guys MIGHT want to try and stop me from getting to the tank.

Master Chief ran towards the tank at the far side of the canyon. Banshees bombarded him with fuel rod bombs, but he shrugged them off. Wraith motars exploded all over the place, evaporating the snow. Still, Master Chief trekked on. Ghosts tried to run him over, but Master Chief picked each one up and threw it like a football. Some Grunts tried to run over and trip Master Chief, and they actually succeeded, but Master Chief just got mad and kicked them like a football as well.

Elite Commander: NO, HE IS GOING TO REACH IT!

Master Chief trooped on towards the Scorpion tank as best as he could. The constant bombardment of fuel rod, plasma, and Grunt legs had taken a toll and he had lost his shields. The Covenant knew he was just about to kick, when the Master Chief jumped toward the tank.

Elite Commander: NOOOOOO!

Master Chief's hand reached out and touched the tank. A bright light caused them to fuse into MASTER CHIEF TANK!

Elite Commander: THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING

Master Chief Tank turned it's turret towards one of the Wraith tanks and fired. The shell and the Wraith made contact, and it was a marriage of debris.

Elite Commander: C'mon Snake, stop kidding around. Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!

The Banshees were swatted out of the sky by a single turret blast. Two birds with one high explosive shell! The other vehicles didn't stand a chance.

Elite Commander: Why did you have to take them? WHY COULDNT YOU TAKE MEEEEEEEEEE?

Master Chief Tank: Um, okay.

Master Chief Tank aimed and fired at the Elite Commander. The explosion hit the Elite Commander so hard, that he didn't die, but rather was sent into another dimension where his Elite Commander powers made him a god worshipped by that entire alternate universe.

After that little ordeal, the Master Chief Tank continued through the canyon, easily dispatching any Covenant forces that came his way.

Master Chief Tank: This is too easy. If Covenant forces do this bad against the Scorpion tank, it's a miracle they are winning this war.

However, suddenly, Master Chief was blown RIGHT OUT OF THE TANK by none other than...

Rock Guarding Elite: Hahaha, so we meet again demon. I have come to avenge the death of my homeland... the sacred rock that is located under the Lies and Disagreement.

Master Chief got up from the debris of the tank, angry. He would have been angrier if he actually needed the tank, but he realized it was useless since he had been unsuccessful for the past 30 minutes in trying to get the tank through a narrow set of pipes.

Master Chief: You fool, have you not learned from your last ass whooping that we humans are INVINCIBLE?

Rock Guarding Elite: You stupid monkey, prepare to feel the true power of the Rock Guarding Elite.

The ground began to shake as the Rock Guarding Elite powered up. Master Chief did the same, as lightning sparked between them when the two energies began to rub off against each other. Rocks started flying out of the ground and into the air. Without warning, they suddenly flew at each other in high speeds, and began to bombard each other with a fury of fast kicks and punches. After the bombardment, they broke off and began charging energy attacks.

Rock Guarding Elite: REDUNDANT ENERGY BLAST ATTACK!

Master Chief: ALMIGHTY FIST OF FURY THAT IS SO FURIOUS THAT IT IS NOT ACTUALLY A FIST BUT AN ENERGY BLAST ATTACK!

Rock Guarding Elite: Wow, that was a pretty long one.

The attacks hit each other, but since Master Chief's was longer, it was more ridiculous, and caused the Rock Guarding Elite to die sort of.

Master Chief stood over the dying corpse of his adversary.

Rock Guarding Elite: Arrgh, lucky hit... don't forget about me demon...

Master Chief: Rocky... it didn't have to end like this, you could have used your powers for good...

Rocky: Maybe in the next life kid... maybe... but now, I must go to hell.

Master Chief: Damn, that sucks. Okay, see ya there.

The Master Chief waved to dead corpse, and then continued on toward the control room.

-

Elite Commanders Eviler Clone: Hahaha, we shall guard the entrance to the control room instead of actually going inside of it like we were supposed to!

Grunt: Damn, what a stupid idea. Who put you up to this?

Elite Commanders Eviler Clone: SILENCE! You shall not hate the evil plan. This plan is so evil, it's such an evil plan, that I think it's great because it's so evil.

Grunt: What exactly is so evil about it? We are just sitting around here masturbating infront of the control room. If we went inside, we might actually be of some usefulness to our masters.

Elite Commanders Eviler Clone: Okay, I have a better idea. Why don't you SHUT UP, and we continue our evil plan!

Grunt: Arrgh, great, here comes the demon too. Well, it's been a nice war. See you guys in hell.

Master Chief killed all the Covenant forces infront of the almighty Room that Controls.

Elite Commander Eviler Clone: Damn, you killed my buddies. I'm going to have to dead you now.

Master Chief just smirked, then put his rifle to the Elite Commanders Eviler Clone's face and pulled the trigger. The Elite Commander absorbed the bullets pretty well then died... actually, he didn't die. He went to the same alternate universe as his not-as-evil twin, but because of his now mangled face, he was ridiculed by that entire alternative universe.

-

Inside the Room that Controls, Master Chief inserted Cortana into the control panel.

Cortana: Wow, there is so much information in here. I could so easily dominate the universe.

Master Chief: But you suck, so just tell me how I kill the Covenant with this thing.

Cortana: No, you can't... you have to save Keyes first since he is a dumbass and is getting in trouble at the swamp, which wasn't a strip bar but... Nah, I'll just send you in blind with no idea what you are about to face, so much the situtation more intense, you know.

Master Chief: Ahh whatever. SWAMP STRIP BAR, HERE I COME!

-

To be continued...


	6. 404 Innocent Explosion

Chapter 6: 404 Innocent Explosion

Foehammer's Pelican dropship slowly hovered over the wreckage of another dropship. Master Chief was standing over the wreckage.

Master Chief: We are gathered here today to witness the departure of our dearly beloved friend, Unnamed Random Dropship Debris 02. He was a good man, he was a caring man...

Foehammer radio whispered something into Master Chief's ear.

Master Chief: You mean it wasn't a man? Oh dear lord. Ahem...

Foehammer: Wow, just pick up the ammo. What is the name of the place you are going anyways?

Master Chief: I've heard only rumors of it, but it is the strip club known to mortals as...

404 INNOCENT EXPLOSION

-

As Master Chief searched the wreckage, he noticed several shotgun shells.

Master Chief: Hmm, shottie shells, eh? Too bad they DIDN'T LEAVE ME A SHOTGUN!

Too his suprise, he noticed several Covenant forces fleeing TOWARD his position.

Master Chief: Wow, hold up guys, why are you fleeing TOWARDS me? Usually you guys flee the other direction.

Grunt: Well, uhh, you see, we aren't fleeing from you this time...

Master Chief: YOU GUYS SOLD ME OUT! BASTARDS!

Master Chief threw the shotgun shells at the Covenant, killing them all. He then proceeded into the confines of the swamp. He reached a tree, then noticed an odd figure in the distance. He checked his radar, and it appeared as a large yellow blip.

Master Chief: Hehe, must be a marine. I think I'll snipe it. They'll never know it was me.

Master Chief fired a few shots at the silhoutte with his pistol... but to his suprise, despite clearing hitting, they didn't even phase the figure.

Master Chief: Holy crap. An immortal enemy. I hope they weren't the enemy force Cortana was talking about.

Master Chief eventually reached the front of a large structure, which looked nothing at all like a Strip Club. However, he noticed a sizable force of Covenant weaklings fleeing from it.

Master Chief: Hmm, Jackals and Grunts? Perhaps the bouncers thought they were minors...

Jackal: Hey look guys, in the bushes, it's the demon. Let's completely forget about the horrifying enemy we are fleeing from, and engage in a hopeless battle with him, sealing our miserable fates.

I'm sure you know what happened after that.

-

MASTER CHIEF DIED, just kidding. Master Chief went into the structure and reached an elevator. Above it was a sign that clearly said

"I WOULDN'T GO DOWN DERE IF I WAS YOU"

Master Chief ignored it, seeing it as a sign to keep out any police authorities. He pressed the elevator button and ascended into the structure.

Inside the strange structure, Chief wandered the hallways, the walls stained with Covenant blood of many colors, almost giving it a rave-like effect.

Master Chief: Wow, this Covenant blood effect is pretty cool. I wonder where the strippers are though...

Master Chief eventually reached a door. Despite going through it with guns blazing like he normally would with the player in control, he does some fancy James Bond crap and a body lands on him.

Master Chief: Ahhh! This isn't a strip club, this is a HOUSE OF DEATH AND SUFFERING!

Master Chief ribbed out the dead marines brain and used his super powers to check it's memory.

-

TEH PAST

Marine: Hey Johnson, how did you suddenly appear out of nowhere?

Johnson: I don't know. I was in the Noisy Mapmaker chapter by accident.

FAST FORWARD

The Marines were standing over a dead Elite.

Marine: Wow, it looks like his insides burst or something.

Marine 2: Maybe it was friendly fire?

Keyes: NO! IT WAS A CHESTBURSTER! THE XENOMORPHS ARE HERE RUN!

Suddenly, a facehugger latched on Keyes' face. Everyone laughed.

FAST FORWARD

Marine: Hmm, the Covenant seemed to have locked down this door and ran for their lives. Let's open it up like dumbasses.

Johnson: Agreed.

Johnson pulled a door unlocking device out of his ass and they unlocked the door.

As they entered, they noticed movement all over the place on their radar.

Johnson: Oh... crap... I should have stayed with Chief.

Without warning, pathetically weak popcorn flood infection forms somehow managed to decimate the marines.

God, we suck.

-

Master Chief threw away the brain when he heard the distinct movement of flood infection forms. Suddenly, half a billion of them poured out one of the nearby doors.

Master Chief: Crap, that is a lot of mushrooms.

Master Chief was about to reach for his gun when he felt a sneeze coming on. Just as the infection forms closed in on him, he let the sneeze out. The popcorn flood popped, and the chain reaction killed all of them.

Master Chief: Wow. This is the most pathetic enemy God has ever threw at me.

God: Okay okay, I'm really running out of ideas Chief. Cut me a break.

Master Chief noticed another infection form kamikaze attack coming out another door. He thought of another way to dispatch them, when the brainwaves from Master Chief's thinking caused the infection forms to explode and set off a chain reaction, again.

Master Chief: Okay, okay. Enough of this. God, a challenge, please?

God: Okay, coming right up.

A COMBAT FORM came through the doors. It was an Elite... with it's head on backwards, and some tenticles sticking out of it's chest.

COMBAT FORM: Losar is yuo!

Master Chief shot off the Combat Form's head. It still advanced. He shot off it's arms. It still advanced. He noticed he was out of ammo and paniced. Suddenly, the armless Combat Form stood directly infront of him and did nothing.

Master Chief: Hahaa, your arms are your only means of offense. YOU LOSE!

Master Chief finally shot it in the chest, killing the Combat Form.

Suddenly, a slew of Combat Forms burst through the door, spewing random message board catchphrases.

COMBAT FORM 1: YOU PHAIL AT LIFE

COMBAT FORM 2: In Soviet Russia, Flood consumes YOU!

COMBAT FORM 3: Suicide is your only option.

Master Chief got angry and killed them. From the corpse of one of them, he found a SHOTGUN!

Master Chief: My easy life just got a whole lot easier.

Master Chief ran through the level, blasting the Combat Forms before they could reduce his brain cells with more stupid catchphrases. He reached an elevator, hoping to go up, but instead went down.. and met... A HUMAN COMBAT FORM.

Master Chief: Wait a minute... decaying body, hideous nakedness, horridly twisted and garbled voice...

COMBAT FORM HUMAN?

Master Chief: GRANDMA?

COMBAT FORM HUMAN: OLD/10

Master Chief: Yeah, she was old.

COMBAT FORM HUMAN: FIGHT BEGINS, GOGOGO OGOGOGO

Master Chief blasted the Combat Form's entire upper body off. He continued through the facility, eventually reaching another elevator, and a room full of flood forms.

COMBAT FORM 1: BANNED

COMBAT FORM 2: I'm a flood combat form. Ask me anything.

Master Chief blew one of their faces off.

FACELESS COMBAT FORM: THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!

Master Chief: This is getting frustrating.

COMBAT FORM: Want me to call the WAAAHBULANCE on WHINE-ONE-ONE?

Master Chief stuck a plasma grenade to one of the Combat Forms, whom started running right at him. Chief quickly jumped onto the elevator and finally up to the surface, while the rest of the flood exploded below him. He could hear their cries of agony.

COMBAT FORM 1: Lisa needs braces!

COMBAT FORM 2: DENTAL PLAN!

-

Master Chief ran out of the building screaming. The catch phrases were really getting to his head.

Master Chief: OMGWTFBBQ, oh no, I SAID IT AGAIN

Suddenly, a group of surviving Marines reached Chief.

Marine: Chief, you made it. We need to get to that tower so Foehammer can pick us up.

Master Chief: The Dell dude got arrested?

Marine: SNAP OUT OF IT CHIEF!

The Marine slapped Master Chief a few times, breaking his hand on the Chief's armor.

Master Chief: Whew, that was close. Thanks kid. Let's get to the tower.

He then noticed the Marine platoon had just been decimated by flood that literally came out of nowhere. He was surrounded, out of ammo, and facing defeat.

COMBAT FORM 1: You're Winnar! NOT

COMBAT FORM 2: You're Winnar! NOT

COMBAT FORM 3: You're Winnar! NOT

COMBAT FORM HUMAN: C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Suddenly, Master Chief heard an electronic voice humming. He saw several robots flying above him, and they fired lasers which vaporized the flood at agonizingly slow speeds. Suddenly, Master Chief was warped onto the ledge of the tower.

Master Chief: Wow, you saved me, who are you?

Monitor: I am 404 Innocent Explosion, the monitor of this installation. Someone has released the flood. This installation has to be activated if we are to contain this outbreak.

Master Chief: Okay, and you need me to do it?

Monitor: WE DON'T NEED YOU! WE NEED NOTHING! I mean... yes.

Master Chief: Okay, let's go. I pray this next level will be fun, original, non-repetitive, and probably the best one in this game?

Monitor: Uhh, sure.

Master Chief was warped off somewhere.

Monitor: Heh, sucker.

-

To be continued...


	7. The Most Entertaining Level

Chapter 7: The Most Entertaining Level

-

Master Chief and the Monitor suddenly appeared out of the fucking blue air and into a gigantic building which could only be...

THE MOST ENTERTAINING LEVEL

-

Master Chief: Wow, this place looks so gigantic... and... similar... are you sure this is going to be fun?

Monitor: If your idea of fun is running around killing nonstop waves of Flood in similar looking rooms, then yes.

Master Chief: HEY! That's not fun at all! I want out.

Monitor: TO LATE... There are only two ways out of here... in a casket, or in an urn... or with the index.

The Monitor somehow managed to 'point', despite he had no hands, to the floating green thing that was literally like 3 feet away from Master Chief.

Monitor: Once you get that index, this level ends, and we can return to the relevant plot.

Master Chief: Okay.

Master Chief reached over and grabbed the index and the level ended.

-

Haha, just kidding.

Master Chief walked down one of the long plain generic hallways which he would be spending the next few hours mass murdering innocent flood in. He was immediately attacked by fat flood and some combat forms.

Master Chief: Wow, a fat slow flood with weak looking arms, what harm can he do?

Master Chief walked up to the Carrier Form to give it a high five, when the Carrier Form exploded and immediately took out his shields. Then, Infection Forms appeared from the explosion and almost managed to latch onto Master Chief when the Chief breathed and they too exploded.

Master Chief: WOW! An exploding life form which has the same damage as a grenade, and there are about 50 more heading my way.

Combat Form: HAHAH. MASS FLOOD CARRIERS INSTANT WIN

Master Chief realized he still had his shotgun. After introducting the hot slugs to the Combat Form's face, he returned his fire toward the Carrier Forms. He shot one, which immediately exploded, and sent the other ones in random directions. When they landed, they exploded as well.

Master Chief: Hmmm, THIS IS EASY!

Monitor: Pretty good, considering you only have a class SUCK combat skin. I recommended you upgrade to a class DECENT for this job at least.

The Monitor noticed Master Chief was owning all the flood with his shotgun.

Monitor: Well, at least you brought suitable weapons. You DO plan ahead!

Master Chief: Hey Monitor, I've been in this same room for twenty minutes, can we continue?

Monitor: Ahh, of course. Just let me take another twenty minutes opening this door.

The Monitor took his sweet ass time opening the door, and lead the Master Chief into another generic room filled with non-stop waves of flood.

Player: WOW, nice level design Bungie. You better pray to God that the next level is entirely original.

Bungie: Uhhh, by original do you mean 'mirrored'?

Master Chief continued blasting away the flood, when the ground began to TREMBLE!

Bungie: Hey this isn't in the script.

-

The generic and boring walls of the Library crumbled, and revealed brimstone and fires. Master Chief and the Monitor realized they were no longer in the Library.

They were in HELL

Master Chief: Hey, I go to church on sundays... What is the meaning of this...

EVIL VOICE: INFIDELS! I have taken over the Library and turned it into my lair of EVIL!

Monitor: Impossible! The Installation does not allow for sudden changes in environment in such facilities as...

EVIL VOICE: SILENCE! I have been feeding off the frustration and annoyance from both Master Chief and the players that guide him. I have used this wickedness to create this land of evil, for which you shall all be trapped in forever! I HAVE MY REVENGE!

Master Chief: Revenge? WHO ARE YOU?

EVIL VOICE: RANDOMLYSHOUTEDWORD! You know who I am Master Chief...

Master Chief: Keyes?

EVIL VOICE: NO!

Master Chief: Gol?

EVIL VOICE: CLOSE!

Master Chief: OH! OH! BOB SAGOT!

EVIL VOICE: IM NOT THAT EVIL! I am...

The fires cleared to reveal... ROCKY!

Rocky: HAHAHAHA! I, the Rock Guarding Elite, shall have my revenge. In death, my powers have grown to unspeakable proportions!

Master Chief then spoke about them.

Rocky: HEY! You're not supposed to be able to do that! Anyways. I am not just immortal now, but I am also... UNDESTROYABLE

Monitor: Hmm, this being seems to be of the OTHER race. The one that insists on accessing restricted areas.

Master Chief: Right, he is a Covenant. So, Monitor, a teleport out of this place would be nice.

Monitor: Indeed, Reclaimer. Follow me.

The Monitor teleported out of the Library Hell without Master Chief.

Master Chief: HEY! I don't know how to teleport!

Rocky: HAHAHA! Now, Master Chief... It's time for me to kill you until you die from it.

The fires of Hell surrounded Rocky as he began to power up. The sheer heat was making Master Chief sweat like crazy. Master Chief had to break out the Right Guard to keep himself from offending anybody.

Master Chief: Rocky, stop this nonsense... I thought you were going to use your powers for GOOD?

Rocky: Hah, I just was fooling with ya. Now prepare for your deaths.. You have six million ways to die, CHOOSE ONE!

'Serial Killa' by Snoop Dogg begins playing in the background.

-

Rocky flew at Master Chief. The Chief tried to brace himself for the impact, but it was too much, and he was sent flying back into one of the brimstone pillars. The Chief stood back up as quick as he could, but Rocky was already upon him.

Rocky: Hah, now you shall feel the wrath of my World of Warcraft Warrior-Class attack!

Rocky unleashed a fury of missed attacks on Master Chief.

Rocky: DAMNIT!

Master Chief held 'X' and flipped over Rocky a few times. Rocky got back up and fired burning hot ownage at Master Chief. The Chief's suit protected him well, but his shields were gone. One more blow could kill him.

Rocky: HAHA! With your shields gone, I can now destroy you with my greatest attack.

Master Chief: Oh shit...

Rocky: Gooooo EXTREMELY LONG I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG ONE SO LONG THAT IT HAS A PROLOGUE CLIMAX AND EPILOGUE OF ITS OWN ITS SO LONG IM TEMPTED TO PUT IT INTO SEPERATE CHAPTERS ATTACK!

By the time Rocky was finished saying the attack, Master Chief's shields were recharged... and he had moved out of the way. Rocky landed a great big MISS and hit another brimstone pillar.

Brimstone Pillar: Wow, that's twice. Can you say LAWSUIT?

Master Chief knew he couldn't stand up against this beating any longer, despite that he had only taken like one hit. He looked around for a way out... but in the middle of the fiery hell, he saw the INDEX!

Master Chief: Of course...

Master Chief ran for the index.

Rocky: Oh no you don't!

Rocky unleashed a fury of fire balls at Master Chief. After several hits, Master Chief's shields gave way. Rocky made no hesitation this time and flew straight at Master Chief, but the Chief was already reaching for the index...

Rocky: (slow mo) nnnnooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Master Chief grabbed the index, and Rocky began to EXPLODE! The explosion expanded outward, but suddenly froze.

G-Man: Time? Is it really that time again, Dr. Master Chief?

-

To be continued...


	8. Two Loyalties

Chapter 8: Two Loyalties

Notes: Throwing in a quick crossover here for traditional sake... just to plug the other fics I never finished.

-

Master Chief woke up in the Room that Controls, feeling very groggy. He remembered an explosion, then he talked to some wierd guy, then here he was. He looked up to see the Monitor floating overhead.

Monitor: Ahh, Reclaimer, I see you have brought the index to the Chamber of Death- I MEAN, Chamber of... Uh... Life.

Master Chief noticed he was holding the index in his hand.

Chief: Hmm, so what do I do with this thing. It's kind of gaudy shaped...

Cortana suddenly appeared on the control panel.

Chief: Oh I get it, I just insert it into her...

Cortana: ENOUGH! Do you know what that thing does?

Chief: Makes AI babies?

Monitor: Ahahah!

Cortana: Shut up! It causes this ring to blow up everything.

Chief: Damn.

Master Chief turned to the Monitor.

Chief: Is this true? I thought you said it stops the flood.

Monitor: By 'stopping the flood' I meant 'killing all the Floods potential hosts'.

Chief: Oh. Fair enough.

Master Chief lunged to insert the Index into the Control Panel, when Cortana somehow made it turn into a holograph.

Cortana: I'll be taking this, Monitor.

Monitor: BLAST! My aspirations to destroy all you biological types has been thwarted by my own kind! DEPLOY THE SENTINELS!

A bunch of wierd robot things suddenly attacked Master Chief. Chief extended his hand and grabbed Cortana from the Control Panel when lasers suddenly started flying all over the place.

Sentinel: TERMINATE EVERYTHING MODE INITIATED

Master Chief blew them all away, then ran outside and was greeted by a huge force of Covenant.

Elite Commander Jr: Aha! There he is! Instead of actually going into the Control Room, we decided to wait outside and suprise you demon!

Chief: I thought you Covenant were dead by now.

Master Chief opened up fire as the Covenant hid behind their shield things. A grunt with a big ass fuel rod cannon attacked Master Chief.

Grunt: Now this is the story all about how, My life got twistered upside down, And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air  
In West Philadelphia born and raised, On the playground where I spent most of my days  
Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, And shootin' some B-ball outside of the school  
When a couple of guys who were up to no good, Started making trouble in my neighbourhood  
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared, She said "you're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air" I whistled for a cab and when it came near the, License plate said "Fresh" and had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare, But I thought naw forget it, "yo home to Bel-Air" I pulled up to a house about seven or eight, And I yelled to the cabby "Yo, homie smell you later" Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air

Chief: BRAVO!

Master Chief blew the Grunt away.

Elite Commander Jr: They got the Grunt... RUN!

The Covenant forces fled as Master Chief stole a Banshee and hunted them down.

Cortana: Hmm, we need to stop the Monitor from activating Halo incase he finds out how.

Chief: But we have the index.

Cortana: True, but he can still press the 'Activate Halo' button and kill us.

Chief: Damn, we should just stall him, but how?

Cortana: There is a pulse generator high up on that platform in the canyon.

Master Chief landed at the pulse generator place and stood before the beam of light.

Cortana: Okay, now all you need to do is take a nice bath in the high energy protons... without dying.

Master Chief: Sounds easy enough.

Master Chief jumped into the pulse generator and his shields exploded.

Chief: ACK! No shields! I feel so naked!

Suddenly, more sentinels came in.

Sentinel 1: There he is.

Sentinel 2: The anomoly.

Sentinel 3: Shall we proceed?

Sentinel 2: Yes.

Sentinel 1: He is still...

Sentinel 29337: Only human.

Master Chief ran out of the pulse generator place before the sentinels could kill him, and jumped back into his banshee. After flying down onto a bridge, and killing some more Covenant, he came to another canyon.

Chief: Ahh, it seems like only yesterday I was busy blowing this place away with my tank.

Cortana: It wasn't yesterday, it was 3 hours ago. And now there is Flood all over the place!

Waves and waves of Flood came out of nowhere. Master Chief mowed them down with his ungoddy shotgun of doom, and they all died obviously.

Chief: Odd.. I think I've killed more human flood than there were humans on the Column of Fall to begin with. What gives?

Back in the Library...

Flood 1: LOLz, we sure fooled him right?

Flood 2: ya, but shoudldnt we haev killed him/

Flood 3: Mmm, ya... ur fault

Back in the canyon...

Master Chief reached another door leading to the pulse generator, and he walked in...

-

Narrator: And now for another exciting edition of... The Acherons

The camera zoomed in on Gol and Maia's new place (after Garithos ruined their old one in his petting zoo scheme). In the center was this wierd pillar of light, but not as noticable as the couch and TV which Gol currently occupied.

Gol: Arrgh, all I hear about on the news is 'Flood taking over Halo' this and 'Covenant getting owned' that.

Audience-chuckles-

Maia: Oh don't complain, I'm sure the locals around these parts are nice.

Maia promptly hit an invading flood infection form with the rolling pin she was using to make dark eco cookies with.

Audience-laughter-

Suddenly, Garithos of Warcraft Antarctic Toilet fame barged in.

Lord Garithos: Haha! Hey guys, I found out what that pillar of light thing in the center of your room is.

Gol: Arrgh, what now? Last time you said it was a tanning booth. I stood in there for four hours and I don't LOOK any purpler!

Audience-laughter-

Lord Garithos: No, you're looking in the wrong places, it's... a tourist attraction!

Audience-gasp-

Maia: Another get rich quick scheme, Garithos?

Lord Garithos: No, this is a get REALLY rich REALLY quick scheme man! Look, we charge people like 50 bucks to see this big ass pillar of light for 3 minutes. They'll be attracted like flies!

Audience-chuckles-

Gol: Well, good idea, except the only people around here are, like, evil zombie tenticle monster things that keep trying to kill us.

Garithos: Gol, EVERYONE is trying to kill you!

Audience-laughter-

Maia: Garithos, honestly, if you ever do manage to pull off something that will work, I'll give you, uhh, free sex.

Audience-gasp-

Gol: MAIA!

Maia: Hey, don't hastle me brother, I know what you did with that female flood last night.

Audience-ewww-

Gol: Oh, c'mon, she was dead.

Audience-EWWW-

Suddenly, the door bell rung.

Garithos: I'LL GET IT! IT'S OUR FIRST COSTUMER!

Garithos opened the door and it was the Master Chief.

Audience-cheering-

Garithos: Welcome traveler! Have you come to see the illuminous pillar of light!

Chief: Yeah, sort of.

Garithos: Step right in, only 50 bucks!

Chief: 50 bucks?

Cortana: Chief, you better think of something fast.

Chief: Uh... but the guy across the street was letting me see his for 5.

Garithos: I'll let you in for 2.50

Chief: Will you take that in pennies?

Garithos: Fine.

Master Chief handed Lord Garithos a shit load of pennies.

Audience-chuckle-

Chief: Okay, where the hell is that coming from?

Audience-laughter-

Chief: What the hell? Who are you guys?

Gol: Uhh, I'm Gol, the lady over there is Maia, and that is Garithos.

Chief: You brings you to Halo?

Gol: Hmm, dunno. I belong in Jak 3 this time its not Jak 2, as my sister, and Garithos is a reoccuring character. Guess the author is just killing time.

Chief: Don't blame him. This is the same freaking level as before, only mirrored.

Audience-laughter-

Chief: Okay, now I'll just be destroying your pillar of light.

Master Chief jumped into the almighty pillar of light, and his shields exploded again.

Garithos: DAMN, my fortune is ruined! DAMN YOU! DAMN IT ALL

Maia: Garithos, you made two and a half bucks, in PENNIES. And he is the last human on this world.

Chief: True I guess. By the way, I'd suggest you guys... like... get out, because sentinels are all over the place now.

Sentinel: We are the sentinels.

Sentinel 2: Prepare to be assimilated... I mean.. killed horribly.

Maia: Aww crap, I just finished picking a palette for this place too.

Audience-chuckles-

Admist the chaos, Master Chief ran outside back into the canyon.

Cortana: Well, that was wierd.

Chief: Can't wait to see what is behind door number three. Heh.

-

Gigantic Covenant Force Commander: Hey guys! Let's sit infront of the entrance to the third pulse generator.

Grunt: We already are, and besides...

The Grunt pointed to the sky and saw Master Chief flying in a banshee.

Grunt: He already stole our banshee and is going to deactivate the last pulse generator.

Gigantic Covenant Force Commander: DOH! OPEN FIRE TANKS!

The tanks opened fire at the sky, and the plasma came back down and killed them all.

-

Master Chief reached the entrance to the third pulse generator and walked in.

Rocky: Mmm, I'm sorry, but this is a DEAD end.

To be continued...


	9. Lockes

Chapter 9: Lockes

-

Master Chief stood before Rocky, who was standing at the entrance to the third pulse generator.

Rocky: You look suprised to see me, again, Mr. Master Chief. That's the difference between us. I've been expecting you.

Chief: What do you want, Rocky?

Rocky: Ahh, using all the muscles, except the one that matters? I want what you want. I want everything.

Master Chief blew him away.

Chief: No more Matrix parody please.

Rocky: You were SUPPOSED to say 'Would that include a bullet from this gun'?

Chief: I was using a shotgun, so technically it's not a bullet, but a buckshot.

Rocky: Whatever.

Rocky jumped back up, when Master Chief karate kicked him into the pillar of light. It exploded, along with Rocky.

Cortana: Wow, awesome. Anyways, Chief, I learned how to use the teleport that the Monitor is using. We need to go to the Lies and Disagreement again because the level designer people ran out of ideas.

Chief: Crap, can't we just go back to the Acherons?

Cortana: No more crossovers, let's get serious here. Anyways, TELEPORT MASTER CHIEF ATTACK!

Master Chief teleported away.

-

Master Chief teleported into the Lies and Disagreement's reactor core and died. The End.

To be continued...

-

5 years later...

Cortana: Okay, this is what you have to do, you have to go back in time and stop me from teleporting Master Chief into the wrong place. Is that clear.

Marine: ...yes.

Cortana: Were you really paying attention, or were you just looking at my holographic boobs?

Marine: ...yes.

Cortana: Which one?

Marine: Just send me back okay?

Cortana: Remember, tell the past me to not teleport the Master Chief into the reactor.

Marine: Tell Master Chief not to react. Got it.

The Marine disappeared into the time machine thing, I don't know.

Cortana: Arrgh, we're screwed.

Monitor: Yeah, well, you're going to be more screwed once I grow arms and can press the Activate Halo button at last! HAHAH!

-

Master Chief teleported into the right place this time, like 2 feet from Captain Keye's location... except behind a door that he could even see through yet not get through.

Chief: Wow, that was wierd.

Cortana: You wouldn't believe.

Chief: It's a good thing I didn't react like the Marine told me too. If I had reacted, the molecules in my face would have warped me into a different place in the ship.

Suddenly, Master Chief was getting mobbed by like a million waves of flood.

Chief: Arrgh, I was wrong.

Cortana: No, trust me, you were right. Now just kill the flood and we can get this over with.

Master Chief killed the flood with his shotgun so hard it killed them LOL

-

Master Chief was walking along the ship, blowing away flood forms. He was killing so many, that he owed 50 trillion dollars to PETA for lawsuits.

Chief noticed a massive battle going on in one of the hangars.

Master Chief: Hahah, Covenant and Flood fighting? This is going to be a turket shoot.

Master Chief ran into the action... before falling into a big ass hole in the ship. He landed far below into a pool of liquid hot coolant.

Master Chief: ARRGh, THIS STUFF IS MILDLY LUKE WARM ACK

Master Chief jumped out and into another ambush. He killed all the flood with his finger... you know, because he used his finger to pull the trigger on his shotgun. Get it? Get it? LOL okay Im really running out of ideas.

Master Chief finally reached the grav lift after skipping half the level, and was back in the evil Covenant ship Lies and Disagreement, which was busy getting blown into smithereens by flood.

Cortana: Hmm, that is amazing, with all the coolant this ship is leaking, the reactors should have gone critical by now.

Chief: Wait, why don't I just blow up this ship instead of the Column of Fall...? That way we can end this fanfic right here.

Cortana: Well, I don't know how to blow up Covenant ships.

Master Chief and Cortana walked right by a button that said 'Blow Up the Ship' and into the control room which had a big ass blob.

Cortana: Oh no... Captain Keyes... he is one of them.

Captain Keyes: HALO THAR MASTAR CHEEF, it feelz great

Chief: Keyes, I've come here to steal your brain and put you out of your misery.

Master Chief grabbed Keye's brain out of the blob, and ate it.

Captain Keyes: THE GOGGLES! THEY DO NOTHING!

Cortana: Good, I got the Captain's neural implants. Now, all we need to do is...

Spec-Ops Covenant bursted into the room, shooting now and taking names later.

Cortana: ...run.

Master Chief ran, and got to the hangar where a bigass force of Spec-Ops Covenant were waiting.

Spec-Ops Leader: Demon. We have come to kill you... and the hopeless waves of Flood trying to take over this ship. So, uh, can you hurry up and die quickly, because you're sort of... the second objective... in our mission.

Chief: SECOND objective? I killed at least a million of your forces. I've destroyed irreplacable amounts of your ground hardware. And I'm about to blow up this artifact you guys hold so sacred... and I'm SECOND?

Spec-Ops Leader: Well... yeah... the flood are really evil.

Master Chief heard enough. He opened up fire with his infinite ammo rambo gun and within seconds, everyone was dead. Chief jumped into the banshee and headed out of the hangar to finish this fic, finally.

-

To be continued...


	10. I don't know what a Maw is

Chapter 10: I dont know what maw means

-

Master Chief was flying the Banshee towards the ruins of the Column of Fall. For some reason out of the fucking blue, the banshee suddenly became damaged and started failing.

Cortana: Chief, we're not going to make it. PULL UP!

The Banshee crashed into one of the airlocks.

Chief: They came from... behind...

Cortana: You did that on purpose, didn't you?

Chief: No, I was trying to get the banshee into the airlock so I could exploit and use it to beat this level easily.

Cortana: Okay, let's get to the bridge.

Master Chief took one step and then was immediately mobbed by at least three million flood infection forms. He took out one of those dog whistles with the really high pitch, and blew it. All the flood infection forms in all of the level exploded.

-

Master Chief reached the bridge and inserted Cortana into the obviously destroyed computer systems.

Cortana: Wow this place is a mess-

Cortana suddenly disappeared. Master Chief looked down and saw he had accidently pulled out the plug with his foot. He put it back in.

Cortana: Master Chief, do you know how bad that hurts?

Cortana snapped her fingers and a fuel rod Grunt appeared out of nowhere and shot Master Chief in the face. Master Chief was angered that he had to use calories to lift up his gun and pull the trigger.

Chief: Okay okay I get it. Now let's blow this thing up and get out of here.

Cortana: Okay, setting timer to 3 seconds. That should give you enough time to jump out of the bridge window over there.

Chief: Uhh, time to get off the ring?

Cortana: Oh alright, Mr. Patience... 10 minutes.

Suddenly the countdown stopped and the Monitor appeared on the... monitor.

Monitor: Har har har, by pulling a plot device out of my electronic ass, I have managed to shut down the countdown.

Chief: Damn you, now we'll never get to blow up Halo and I'll never get a sequel and we'll be stuck in this story forever and it's all your fault!

Monitor: I better send the wahbulance... or better yet... some sentinels.

Sentinels suddenly appeared outside of the bridge and started firing on Master Chief.

Chief: KAMEHAMEHA!

Master Chief blew the sentinels away and grabbed Cortana from the systems before the Monitor would digitally rape her.

Cortana: Hmm, I have a better idea, let's just blow this place up manually.

Chief: Cool. To the engine room!

As he was walking down the hallway, he noticed several Spec-Ops Covenant had gathered in the hall waiting for him.

Chief: Whoa, what is this? A mass suicide?

Spec-Ops Elite: Har har real funny. Actually, we have come here to kill you, and these ebony shiny armors will make it look good too.

Master Chief tapped the Spec-Op Elite's heart with the five point finger technique and the Elite's heart exploded after taking a few steps.

Chief: AWESOME!

Spec-Ops Grunt: Hmm, before you kill me demon, please give this note to my wife.

The Grunt handed a note to Master Chief. Chief nodded, blew him away, and then used the note as toilet paper. He also later had sex with the Grunt's wife. What an asshole.

-

Master Chief reached the engine, where the Monitor was flying around while the flood stood oblivious to his presence. Once Master Chief entered though, the flood suddenly started to move.

Chief: Okay, so how do I blow this thing up.

Cortana: You can either throw grenades into the vents after they open... or just press the blow up engine button.

Master Chief pressed the blow up engine button. The ship began to tremble as fire spewed from the vents. Master Chief ran to the elevator. When the elevator came down, he noticed it was filled with Covenant.

Elevator Elite Commander: Okay guys, here is the deal. We stop the engine from exploding... somehow. Kill the flood... somehow. And kill the demon... somehow.

Grunt: Gee that sounds pretty easy, NOT. The demon is right there too.

The Grunt pointed at the Master Chief.

Elevavtor Elite Commander: What is that ball of fire heading towards us?

A well placed rocket hit the middle of the Covenant formation. Then the smoke cleared, and where the Covenant once stood was now an all you can eat roasted buffet.

-

Master Chief jumped into one of the many conviently provided warthogs.

Cortana: Okay, the ship is going to generate a temperature of one hundred million degrees when it explodes.

Chief: Oooh, free sun tan!

Cortana: Actually, no. We need to get to the longsword which is conviently on the other side of this ship, which has suddenly become so massive that it takes like 5 minutes to get across on a speeding vehicle, and also conviently has a roadway of doors and large openings despite being a goddamn spaceship.

Master Chief drove out onto the ship's dorcile structure and ran over some flood. Explosions were going off all over the place. Suddenly, Master Chief noticed a familar figure alongside of the road.

Chief: Hey look, hitchhikers! Let's pick them up!

Master Chief pulled up alongside the figures. It was Gol and Maia!

Gol: Uhh, going our direction?

Chief: Which way is that?

Gol: ANYWHERE OFF THIS SHIP!

Audience-chuckles-

Chief: Okay, hop in.

Gol: SHOTGUN!

Maia: Rear turret cannon!

They hopped onto the warthog and drove off.

The warthog sped through the level... until Chief found another hitchhiker.

Chief: Hey Lord Garithos, where are you going?

Garithos: Hah! You guys run away all you like, but I'm going to sit back and watch the fireworks! Once this ship is blown up, I can open up another tourist attraction after my huge success with the pulse generator!

Audience-chuckles-

Garithos: Come visit Garithos' Awesome Crater Land! I even used the 2.50 dollars To buy a pen and cardboard to make the sign with!

Master Chief sweatdropped, then drove off.

-

Sergeant Johnson and an Elite were fighting over an assault rifle when they noticed the Column of Fall in the background was starting to blow up.

Johnson: Well, I guess this is it baby.

The Elite and Johnson, in an unusual event in the war, embraced in a hug. Then the Elite grabbed Johnson's ass.

Master Chief pulled up beside them.

Chief: Oooh, lover boys!

Audience-cat calls-

Maia: Didn't think we were in San Fran.

Johnson: Hey, uhh, he came onto me!

Elite: Did not!

Chief: Whatever guys, hop in.

Johnson and the Elite jumped into the Warthog with the others.

Johnson: So, what is your name anyways?

Chief: Oooh, making moves and you don't even know the name!

Johnson: SHUT UP!

Elite: My name is Assgrabius the Elite.

Maia: Uhh, we better hurry up and get to the escape ship... it's been five minutes already.

Chief: Nope, I planned ahead.

Master Chief pulled out a clock which said 'Dragonball Z Style Clock Management'.

Chief: We can go on for 15 chapters with this baby!

Agent Smith: OH GOD NO

Agent Smith jumped out of the Warthog which was moving at high speeds and rolled and flipped around on the asphault before his smoldering corpse came to a stop.

-

The warthog drove through the tunnels until they came across a lone grunt.

Grunt: Boy I sure hope that food nipple is waiting for me back at the starship, becaus-

Chief: IT'S HIM!

Gol: Who?

Assgrabius: Ahh, food nipple grunt. We've been looking all over for you.

Food Nipple Grunt: I didn't even get to finish my line!

Chief: Hop in, quick.

Suddenly, an explosion went off, and time froze.

G-Man: Mr. Freeman... I intend to fuel the Halo vs. HalfLife rivalry a little more.

Gordon Freeman: How?

G-Man: By making HL2 end so sucky, that the suckiness of the ending beats out the suckiness of Halo 2's ending!

Gordon Freeman: Do I get a choice?

G-Man: Alright. Go with me or die.

Gordon Freeman: die plz

Gordon Freeman was about to die, when the warthog ran over G-Man.

Chief: Wow, my indirect rival. Hop in, before the fanboys of our respective games make us battle.

Freeman: Will do.

-

Finally, the Warthog reached the longsword fighter... however, someone else was waiting, and they weren't a friendly hitchhiker.

Rocky: Missster Master Chief, welcome back. We missed you.

Master Chief and his band of hitchhikers noticed the secret behind Rocky's many deaths... there were more than one of them. Infact, there were like a million of them standing around the longsword.

Rocky: Like what I've done with the place?

The Column of Fall was busy blowing up.

Chief: HEY! I did that to this place! Liar!

Rocky: Well, it's time for you to die, Master Chief.

Chief: Not so fast! LOOK OVER THERE ATTACK!

Chief pointed behind the Rockys, and all of them looked behind them. When they looked forward, the noticed Chief and the longsword were gone.

Rocky: Damn it!

Suddenly the ship began to shake.

Column of Fall: EXPLODE IN A NUCLEAR BLAST ATTACK!

Rockys: ALL OF US GET BLOWN UP ATTACK!

-

Master Chief, the Acherons, Johnson, Assgrabius, and the Food Nipple Grunt were all in the longsword watching Halo blow up as they sped away.

Halo: PIECES OF DEBRIS COLLIDE WITH MY SELF ATTACK!

The longsword's engines began to overheat.

Cortana: Shut them down. We'll need them later.

Master Chief reached for the button.

Chief: SHUT DOWN ENGINES ATTACK!

Food Nipple Grunt: Okay, can you guys stop with that attack stuff?

Chief: SAY 'OKAY' ATTACK!

Johnson slapped Chief in the back of the head. They watched the debris of Halo expand.

Chief: Did anyone else make it?

Cortana: Scanning... just Dust and Echoes.

Chief: Who the hell is Dustin Echoes?

Johnson: It doesn't matter. Halo, it's finished.

Chief: No, we still have another sequel to do. Halo... it's only begun.

Master Chief took off his helmet to reveal he had no head.

Audience-gasp-

-

MEANWHILE, on the debris of Halo...

Dustin Echoes: HAHAH! Those fools blew up the only weapon that could of saved them.

Rocky: Sir, but they got away.

Dustin Echoes: No thanks to you trying to stop them. Soon the Evil Council's plan will come into effect, and when it does... not a trace of righteousness will be left!

Rocky: Dude, you're evil.

Dustin Echoes: Yeah. They always say 'Just Dustin Echoes', but soon my name will be a name to be feared across the universe.

They both laughed with a tone of utter evil.

THE END...?


End file.
